Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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