she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
