i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
