You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
