im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
