I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
