Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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