if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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