remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
