I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
