i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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