so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
