when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
