He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
