saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
