Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
