It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have feelings that need drinking.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize