You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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