Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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