We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
