I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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