why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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