the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
