dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
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