Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
