I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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