when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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