when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
