I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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