The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
