Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
