well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
nutella sex= disaster
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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