Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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