I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
