yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't make out with my wife yet
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
