Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
