Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
