This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
