My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
