i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize