the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
