my mouth tastes like poor choices
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
