i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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