D3 body, D1 cock
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
