I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
