Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
