Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize