You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
