I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
