Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I checked into jail on foursquare
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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