there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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