sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
