where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
