if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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