I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
