I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
