The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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