Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
