Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
